The year is quickly zipping to an end, the holidays are nearly upon us and I look back at this past year and I think "well, that was interesting" as it's been a year with some of our biggest challenges in life and sometimes I've felt like I've been losing it in so many ways. But lets start with the first part shall we?
As many know, my journey for weight loss started mid year and I'm happy to report that I've been losing it in the best way. Not that this has all been about losing weight, it's been more of a lifestyle change and a way to get fitter, stronger, healthier and re-shape not only my body but also the way I view myself and the way I live. Even with the holidays throwing all sorts of temptations at me, I'm not worried because I've learnt how to find balance in how I eat, how I exercise and am keeping a healthy attitude towards everything. I stand firm in that I'm not going to be the person who fusses about food. Life is far too short for that! I try to make smart choices and if I indulge a little bit, then I just make sure that I balance it with more exercise and wiser choices the next day. I hold myself responsible for all the decisions I make and continue to adapt and change as I need to.
The journey has been fraught with unexpected battles and my biggest challenges are more physical than mental. As a 45 year old woman who is facing the faint beginnings of menopause, as a person with no real training or expertise in exercise - well lets just say, the brain is willing but the body is what it is. Mid forties, a seething mass of changing hormones and prone to giving me fits when I don't do things "within reason" - yes, the brain says "RUN FORREST RUN" and the body yells, "you dopey bugger, you don't know what you are doing". But part of the joys has been realizing how much I actually like physical activity and while the aches and pains might bother me, they won't knock me down. Exercising has given me moments of mindless bliss where I don't need to think and when I do, it's about what I am doing and how I am doing it. It's also provided me with much needed time to myself where I can go for an hour walk and think of nothing other than walking and maybe singing along a little to great tunes. And when I hurt myself, well, read on....
Thank heavens for Google and Pinterest which is teaching me how to stretch, how to work out and how to tentatively mend the things that have cropped up in the past few weeks. And thank heavens for Amazon which saves me the embarrassment from having to go into the local drug store to buy a certain type of cream. Lets just say, these grapes are not from a winery in the Barossa Valley. And if there is such thing as a full body copper compression suit, call me. Another physical thing I'm losing much to my chagrin is the clarity of eyesight and thats something I'm not too thrilled about losing. My age, my screen time, lack of carrots - it's all taken a toll and things are a bit fuzzier than they were a year ago. So I get a bunch of "cheater" eyeglasses which even 3 months ago didn't need a permanent place on my head. And now they do. I'd like to say that wearing them makes me look clever and intellectual but mostly I bop around with them on top of my noodle, creating interesting hair styles that add some buoyancy to my limp locks and make me look slightly deranged. But they are there and I rely on them for reading now as well as looking at the calorie content of food. It's time to go pro and get them checked at an optometrist and I guess thats just the way the low calorie cookie crumbles. It sucks but it is what it is and thank goodness for technology that allows me to expand my computer screen so I can see what I'm typing.
So yes, I'm losing it. Losing weight and am taking great pride with my progress so far. When I started this journey, I was encouraged to start taking photos of myself so I could see the progress as things went along but I felt that was not something I was willing to do. I didn't need a photo or a selfie to know I was fat. I saw it every day in the mirror and when I looked at myself and the clothing hanging in my closet. Instead, I've chosen to remember what I was and acknowledge it but focus more about what I am now and what I am going to become. I don't want to look backwards - I want to look ahead. I now study myself in a mirror and I see the flaws, I see the years of living and I see the progress I've made and I can pat myself on the back and know that while I'll never have a perfect body, I've made great strides so far and will continue to do so. The future is ahead of me and each pound lost removes me from what I was - I've worked hard to get this far and I plan to never go back. I've found that this journey is best suited doing on my own - I'm not one to need someone to hold my hand as I do this, I don't really need someone at my side to motivate me. I feel that if someone can't do this on their own, they will not succeed. It might suit others to make it a team effort, but it's not for me. Encouragement is great and I'm so lucky to have people who are so supportive of what I am doing but in the end, I do this for me alone and I am accountable for myself and what I do. I am my own cheerleader, my own coach, my own critic. I remove the weight of other peoples expectations of me and I will feel lighter, more free.
As it stands, I am going at my own pace and where I lose it in other areas is more of the "losing my s**t" variety, especially when I've come this far and end up under scrutiny for what I do. Everyone is entitled to an opinion but to be judged on how much activity I do, when I do it, when I don't do it, what I put in my mouth? That is something I am not going to tolerate and those opinions can be put into the "stick it up your arse" box and thrown out into the trash. Because I am me, I am no-one else. I move at my own pace and am in this for the long haul so I have no expectation that the pounds are going to fall off like glitter on an ornament - slow and steady will win the race and given that I spent most of my life as a person who didn't exercise or take care of myself, well what I have achieved so far is pretty awesome. So don't bust my chops or deflate my balloon because I deserve better than that. There is encouragement and then there is condescending. Yes, I'm all kick arse now in my grunge bitch athletic wear and I've got the worn out runners to prove it.
The year ahead, the road ahead I'm sure will be filled with all sorts of bumps (hopefully not more of the grape variety) but I've learnt one thing, I am a fighter and am not going to let anything or anyone get me down.
As far as the rest of the losing it? Well I don't even know where to start on that. I've lost a few things this year - some on purpose, some not so much. But I also have to look at the gains, the things that have given me joy and wisdom and experiences and I spend every day trying to focus on that. Because while I strive each day to not gain any weight, I hope to gain so much more in other areas of life. Things like inner peace (so cliche I know), a more positive attitude, adventures and experiences - they are all things I want to gain more of. I will continue to lose physical weight and gain a whole lot more joy. I am gaining inspiration from the people around me, some are close to my heart, some I don't know well but they all are inspiring me in different ways. I recently read an instagram post written by someone I love and her words really rang a bell with me, she is one of the people who has inspired me and while our journeys are so different, her wisdom in her instagram post is applicable in every way. The message was simple, we are all different so don't judge how people do things. And thats good advice indeed.
On the topic of gaining, recently I had the absolute pleasure of going to a local college basketball game, the first one I had ever been to in this area and certainly it was far more exciting than the years gone by of sitting in the chilly gymnasium on very uncomfortable bleachers in the town where I attended high school. I was there with some long time friends who I adore, people I don't get to see often enough but when we do, it's always a fantastic time and we were there to support another expat Aussie who is a talented player, here for college. Thats an experience I thought I'd not have, something I might have avoided in years past based purely on the fact it was not in my comfort zone of what I know and normally enjoy doing. And with these great friends, some tense competitive moments on the court (and in the rather comfortable spectator seats), I had an absolute blast! Who knew that if you cheered loudly enough, people would throw food in the direction of the crowd who all whooped it up like happy hamsters? Why hadn't I done this sooner? Did I eat a little piece of free pizza? Yes I did. Because I may be losing weight but I've got nothing to lose by enjoying myself during fun adventures with friends. And I've got the foam finger as a reminder of that terrific day as well as the memories. There is no loss in that. I cheered a lot, I watched our friends team take the win and am ever so glad that I went. I gained and I'm happy for that.
The other part of losing it is now down to the tangible parts of my life - the things that surround me and the objects and items I hold dear. As someone who takes great enjoyment of various things whether it be fashion, art, kitchenware or knick knacks, well even I admit, it's time to let it go. Not all of it of course but weeding out is not a bad thing so I can appreciate the things I love most a bit more and not feel burdened by the things I don't love so much. Each trip to Australia, I'm strongly reminded of the ways of living simply there and then back here, I go to estate sales and see houses full to the brim of so much STUFF! Part of our recent trip, we stayed at a beautiful place in the Barossa Valley and the accommodations were thoughtfully designed, the provisions were on point and it was possibly the most stunning place I've ever been privileged to stay at. Simplicity at it's finest and I found a peace there that I really needed. Which made me realize it was time to think about "losing it", to maybe cull my collection and start enjoying life a bit more without being surrounded by so much. People mean more than things. Living means more than stuff crammed into a basement.
So thats my goal for the year ahead, to lose it in that aspect of life as well as others....and the continued quest to lose the weight as well. Because when I look at all the things I'm working on losing, whether it be a vintage dress, the expectations of others or my weight - somewhere along the line it is only a burden. And who wants to have that on their shoulders? Not this fuzzy eyed, weird haired, foul mouthed old ding bat. I shed the weight, I lose 50% of my current clothing, I buy more clothing, I shed more weight, I lose more clothing. But it's part of this process and if what I do helps someone else along the way, then thats another gain I'm happy with.
I guess thats about it really. Just thoughts that have simmered in the noggin for a while, finally getting placed into words. I'm losing it, proud of it and am looking forward to a year of losing more weight, more stuff and gaining more of the good things like adventures, pride and zest for the land of the living.
To sign off, I leave you with this quote which reminds me to be good to myself.
"When you are tired, learn to rest, not to quit"
Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and all the best for 2019.
Sam.