Greetings to those who've hopped on here for a read. Welcome welcome!

Well, it's been a hot minute since I last typed out a blog and while I've had the best of intentions of doing more and I always have a thought or an idea, time unfortunately gets the best of me. I jot down notes onto my phone with subject matter and then go on my merry way. But I'm here now and it's time to catch up!! Please do buckle up because I'm digging deep here today and tackling some of the thoughts that have been roaming around in my head a while now.

I've got a variety of topics today and plan to dip into each, so bear with as I work out how best to proceed. The question I ask myself is, where to start? Do I go deep? Do I tackle crafting subjects? Do I just waffle on randomly and see what comes forth? Sometimes my mind runs in so many different directions and it's kind of like having a mosh pit in the brain where the thoughts jump up and down like a bunch of sweaty twenty-somethings at a metal festival! And it takes a lot of concentration to corral those thoughts and get them to settle and sit still. It's not all bad though, it keeps me creating and thinking and moving....and when the brain gets tired, it naps. Phew!

Maybe I'll start with the topic of moving since that's been on my mind a lot these days - not moving in terms of transplanting myself somewhere different. This is about moving of the mobility kind and as someone who was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy last year, moving around is something that is sometimes difficult for me to do with ease. Up until I was diagnosed, I'd never heard of "PN" and was enjoying a time in my life where I'd lost weight, was very active and for the first time in my life, was the best shape I'd ever been. And then after going on a bit of a hobbit adventure on my 47th birthday (a 27 mile walk was maybe a bit overkill), my feet started to experience some pains and sensations that were uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

Long story short, a trip to podiatrist, a nerve biopsy and badda bing, badda boom - you've got peripheral neuropathy doofus! Oh and let us not forget that arthritis which just makes it all the better. While I'll not waffle on too much about the whole thing, it's important to note here that this is NOT a curable condition. It is something that the medical field barely knows how to treat and it is genuinely staggering at how many people suffer from it. It can stem from so many different situations - from diabetes, chemo, injury or other ailments and for every person who has it, it can manifest unexpectedly. And since we are all very individual masses of cells, the treatments can fail or succeed accordingly. I read somewhere that it's like the little cousin of MS and it's very difficult to suitably express the feeling of the symptoms since they vary widely from person to person.

Now I've not been the most pro active in terms of how to be treated or how to manage this and I've had to learn a lot through trial and error. Since it's not a visible condition, people are unaware that even when I'm walking around being normal, on the inside, every nerve in my feet and now my legs feel like they are on fire. I can rest as much as I want and it doesn't make a lick of difference - sometimes that makes the sensations worse. Sleep is now a challenge when I'm laying down and the pains shoot through my affected areas but that said, when I do fall asleep, that is the only time of the day (or night) where I do not feel my symptoms. I've tried various items targeted to people with PN, ranging from little socks that have a really pretty smell with gel which were a pain in the arse to try and put on. Since some of my toes no longer have full sensation, trying to squeeze the little piggies into the holes on these socks resulted in me bending a toe a little too hard and I hurt for a few days after that.  But that is nothing compared to the great medication fiasco of late summer 2020 - after running out of some pills that the podiatrist gave me, I opted to try some that were supposedly similar which I found online.

Ummmm......an 8 to 9 day colonic cleanse was the end result and lets just say,  lesson learned. I've got an electro shock therapy foot thingy that I decided would be the best Christmas gift to myself and honestly, it doesn't do much other than make my feet feel nice at the time. It's supposed to help bring the dead nerves back to life and I really do need to use it more but again, it only eases a little and isn't a cure all. After joining a community of people on social media who all have PN, I have heard enough horror stories about the medications that the professionals are doling out that I've decided thats a big ol' hell no for me....especially after a self inflicted colonic cleanse. Some of these meds cause weight gain (NO thank you), depression and anxiety (just what I need as someone who is in pre stages of menopause and dealing with the matters of that crazy freak show called a pandemic)...and of course anal leakage....or deaaaaaath. So thats a hard pass and I refuse to have anyone with a degree and a white coat prescribe me something that they themselves wouldn't take. Sorry big pharma - not today.

So that leaves me with a more organic approach which I'm open to and something I'll be exploring more as time allows. The main thing I have learnt is that I have to be my own advocate, I have to recognize that this is something I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life and it may evolve further or it may not. Either way, it's a challenge as it it stands now and sometimes it takes a bit of a toll on my emotional and mental wellbeing. But I remind myself daily that I'm better off than some, that there are worse things in life and I'm a tough little shit who won't give up. I walk as much as I can, I even run a little at times. I exercise and stay active and finding the balance between rest and being mobile is tricky but I keep trying the best I can. And thats all I can do. I'd like to think that with todays organic options, it would be a gentle time of sitting around, listening to Janis Joplin and quietly noshing on cheese (wishful thinking?) but regardless of how that works out, anything to subdue the pain would be wonderful.

And now onward to the next topic! As mentioned, the mental mosh pit dances away and since I started this post, I've ironed some garments, chatted on the phone about business things, let the dogs in and out and such. Multi tasking!! I rarely get on the phone to talk these days but had some questions to ask someone which were better asked in conversation than message. Communication is a thing for me, I like clear communications and yet struggle with various methods of communicating which is weird enough. Without going into too much detail, there was an event nearly three years ago in my life that affected us greatly. One of the after effects was the sounds of notifications on my phone - they really started to bother me - every ping of a message alert or text would have me grinding my teeth and I smartly opted to put my phone on mute and remove audio alerts where I could. You'd think that would solve the problem right? Well, it was a fix for a time but now, being home so more and subjected to cell phone noises and landline spam calls - especially during the long time of lockdown, I started to really get annoyed. So much SPAM!! And it seemed it would always happen when I was hands deep in a project or in a room where the phone wasn't near. Or I'd be out and about doing something and my cell would silent buzz.....I got to a point where I would scream "leave me alone" and yeet the phone across the room or swear rather loudly at it. And thats when I knew I had to take action.

All this accessibility feels non consensual and rather invasive to a certain degree.  I used to be a little girl who loved chattering on the phone to my Nan and Pop, and when I was a teenager, being on the phone to friends was everything! But that was back in the day when rotary phones were used and there was such a thing as "phone etiquette"  - and back then, some calls would cost a small fortune, especially if they were not local. Calls were a treat and not to be taken for granted. Yeah I'm that old!! But now? It feels like we are chained to these little devices and people start to lose sense of boundaries. So since I cant rid myself of the landline, I just have to grit my teeth and get creative with the spam calls. As for my cell phone, it remains on mute and now I have a new phone where only a very small handful of people have the number as to reach me in times of emergency. And that has been a huge relief. I can be messaged, I can be emailed and I can answer all those at my leisure when I'm available to do so. I can't do much about the spam calls but since my cell phone stays on mute, at least I don't hear them.

It's funny how we change as we get older and how sometimes things we once enjoyed start to feel more like a burden or a hassle. l think being home so much more in the past 18 months has given me a lot of time to think about many things and how I want to live my life in terms of the here and now as well as the future. I tend to stay more focused on the here and now since the future is full of uncertainty. I don't like to plan or hope too much for the future since it can change within a moment and I'm not sure I can go through the kind of sadness that I had in 2020 every time things were canceled. Hope is still there but planning remains tentative and I try to allow myself to stay adaptable. As for the past, well 2020 made me realize that I wasn't achieving all that much in so many ways and that I needed to switch gears and find a way to create a small measure of success that I can be proud of and it wasn't going to happen if I kept acting like it was pre: 2019.

Gears shifted. Life changes. We march forth and move on. And I had to do this on my terms and in a way that is satisfactory to me. And that gives me a bit of hope. I find myself withdrawing from various aspects of life such as social media and find myself craving more privacy, more solitude and I  continue to work on building the strength to get through the winter to come with my facilities intact. Creating an armor so to speak. Because to be honest, last winter sucked the big kahuna and it was a struggle to get through the start of this year feeling any remote sense of hope. A conversation with a dear friend made me realize that the life I was showing on social media was very far removed from the reality since she had no idea at all that I was so down in the dumps. Which got me to thinking a lot about the pitfalls of social media and how we present our lives to the world at large - of course no-one wants to be on there showing the realities. That would be uncomfortable right? And awkward. We want people to see the good bits! The exciting bits! All the things! And heaven forbid we dare show the truth and the  parts that are less than shiny. And people see all the things, all the snips of life we share and they think everything is aces and that we are all just peachy and so they decide not to worry or bother asking us how we really are.

Pardon my very edited French here but thats really f****** up. The conscious decision was made for me to ease my way from social media (ironic since I'll be posting this on there later) and maybe post something once in a while so I don't get hacked. My business social media can stay as active as I want it to be but my personal information is no longer up for public consumption and I'm now more wary of what I post, who can see it and I'd much rather send things privately than for all to see. An odd meme or funny, thats as easily sharable via message as it is to hit "post" - I don't want to share my life online as much anymore because that leaves little room for authenticity or genuine connection when I do see someone in real life. No-one needs to know what I'm doing every day and I have found that by removing myself from it all, I'm more productive, more alert and more focused. And I enjoy my time with my bubble buddies so much more when we do see each other. I grew up in an age without social media, I certainly can get through the years ahead with much less of it. And that feels really freeing! Because time is precious and I don't want to take it for granted. My time has more value than I give myself credit for and why waste so much of it being on social media - I'm a human being for heavens sake with a real life. Not a social media life - and I refuse to let myself just be content on a screen.

A brunch with two dear friends some time back really gave me something to think over and it was all agreed that we should have a key word that we use with each other when the angsts of life feel unbearable. And that meant a lot, since they too see what they see online and had no idea of how unhappy I was. Winters are a bitch in Ohio but with that key word between us, their support and a laundry list of projects and activities a mile long to see me through, I think this time I'll be much better off. I cant control what's going on in this world but I can sure as heck control the way I live my life and how I deal with things. So I'm buffing my armor and will march into the latter half of the year like a warrior going into battle. Pew pew.

(side note to K & J - I love yoose dearly, thank you for being the amazing humans that you are)

We have no idea of what is yet to come and quite honestly, there is no point pretending that everything is back to normal or hunky dory. To bury ones head in the sand and ignore reality is not an option, nor is it wise. I strongly suspect the pendulum is going to swing back into a direction that we will not find in our favor and to deal with that, it's time to be strong, to be honest and prepared. I know some may find that negative but I'm a realist and am not going to be naive enough to think that the world is going to bounce back from everything thats happened by sheer will alone. Because this craziness is GLOBAL - not just 'Merica, not just Ohio. It's everywhere. I recently had the situation arise where some people asked where I was from and when I told them, they asked when I was going home next. And when I explained that could still be quite a long time off from now, they cocked their heads to the side and couldn't understand it. I had to explain how my home country is currently experiencing issues and that it would not be feasible for me to just hop on a plane and zip off on a leisurely vacay because right now, it would be unlikely I'd be let in. And quite frankly, that is a total mind breaker. Because as much as I want to go on a lovely little vacay, seeing my family is far more important and the longer this goes on, the less likely it will happen.

These people I spoke to, well they couldn't wrap their heads around it. Some people tend to forget there is a thing called "other countries", they obviously didn't look much at atlases and globes as children and boy it shows. Heck, I grew up in a country town of about 100 people and even we got to look at National Geographic magazines in school and learn about THE WORLD around us. So I'm very aware that no matter how things roll along here, there are a heap of blobs on a round blue ball that are experiencing this as well. Okay, rant over because I know this topic just lights a fire under my saggy arse and I'll subtly slide into the last topic if you haven't already hit the close button and muttered "well this one, she's a scorching lunatic".

Without further ado, the last topic for today, well....it almost feels like a fluffy add on since I dipped into the deeper waters this time around. But you want to see photos of some fabric I'm working on? HA! Since I enjoy staying busy, I like to think of something that I might want to try and then jump in and learn and practice and create and this month, I'm all about the block printing. I've had the supplies for such a long time so I got to play with it a little, loved doing it and.....ordered more supplies. Which may lead to other things that could be exciting. I've never been one to be confident in myself or believe in my ability to learn but if the past year has taught me anything, I AM capable of learning and doing and I enjoy trying many things, even when they push me out of my comfort zone a little. And I allow myself a little measure of pride with that. I'm not a person to toot my horn loudly and I try to abide by the quote "insecurity shouts, confidence whispers" but on the odd occasion, I'll let myself have a little pat on the back and say "well done old chook" because the only person I need validation from is myself (and sometimes my husband who is the champion of all that I do, especially when it's baked)

While I have no idea of what the future will bring, I plod along with caution, a tiny nugget or two of optimism, a view looking forward and not backward. And a ton of creative projects to keep me busy and learning all along the while (air clay and resin = not my thing, dyeing and playing with concrete = much more my speed) - and of course my list of notes for future blog posts which will happen when they happen.

Anyway, time to wrap this up for the day and get back to the things.

Stay well, stay happy.

Sam.