Back again and so soon at that! I realized after my last blog post that for a photography website, I rarely actually talk much about photography....which is weird yes? I'll cover all sorts of topics but not the one that this website is based on. Honestly, I look at this blog as a bit of a diary and where I'll open up about things that may be on my mind or of interest to me at that moment in time.

I think if I was going to get into the nuts and bolts of it, while I consider myself a photographer and have the years under my belt - it's not the total sum of who I am and sometimes I need to step back and live in the moment without a camera glued to my eyeball. And there has been some lessons learned over the course of a few years that made me realize there is a need for that separation, to be present and absorb life away from a lens. Then I also have to recognize the times when I really need to be behind the camera because sometimes it's an act that brings me more peace than anything that could be prescribed.

So let's wind the film back a little bit and go to the beginning, to when I first thought about photography and what it meant to me. How I came to be where I am now - and trust me, it's not been an easy road to follow! In an era of digital cameras and cell phones, anyone nowadays will call themselves a photographer and pimp themselves out to take photos of people in sunflower fields or grab some snaps and call it a shoot. And I feel for the true folk of photography, those who hail from the old school days who had a talent, studied the art and did the schooling. I tip my hat to them and owe them a thank you and an apology.

My start really goes back before a time of digital and hovers around in the late 1980s as I came of age and had a little camera that I toted around with me, snapping photos here and there of friends, things, moments. It was the thing, to capture all those memories and excitedly take the rolls of film to a lab and patiently wait for them to be developed. Which where I grew up could be a few days, a few weeks depending on how busy the local lab was. And prior to that magical place opening (said magical place was inside a pharmacy), film usually was sent away via mail. Snail mail. Which took FOREVER!

I also have solid memories of the photography lab in high school where we were taught the basics of photography and how to process rolls of film in the dark room. This room, I can still smell it to this day and remember the vibe of it which actually at the time, felt a little creepy and spooky! Located in the rear of the classroom dedicated to science studies, it was honestly a place that most of the hormonal teens would sneak into for a quick snogfest when the teachers were not looking and thus, I'm not sure how much attention many of us really paid to the art of photography. We did learn some about scale and composition and processing but this was a country school with limited resources at the time, not a lot of cameras to share around the students and considering that photography was more of an art than a viable career possibility, it wasn't pushed on us as something to pursue beyond a hobby.

Back in those days, it was usually accepted that many of us in attendance at that school would eventually leave and go into a trade or apprenticeship of sorts - higher education was for those of wealthier backgrounds who had the means to send their children to the cities to attend university.  For the rest of us, it was a very gender driven range of options and as I wasn't exactly the most scholarly of children, I opted out of school in my mid teens (okay, I'll be honest here, I failed my way out) and kind of schlepped myself into the workforce, grabbing whatever that was available. First stop, cleaning the rooms and bar at the local pub which is every bit as seedy as it sounds - however, I loved it. Since I was well under the age to work the bar itself, I'd be up early morning, off to work and cleaned the rooms of the attached accommodations, then time to focus on cleaning the bar/restaurant and rest rooms and once that was done, I'd knock off for the day and could spend the rest of my time bludging down by the river in the sunshine. Obviously not a whole lot of room for career advancement there but I did like the peace of it, the soothing tones of Patsy Cline playing on the cassette player as I cleaned, and if I was lucky and won the battle of the cassette player for the day, then I'd happily blast some Van Halen.

This was for one summer a million years ago and then when I hit 16, it was time to join the real world and get a real job which meant leaving the small town nest and heading back to the bigger town nearby where I'd attended school and luckily for me, there was a newer pharmacy in town (which had the fancy photo lab) and that's where my years of retail started. I could chat on for hours about retail since thats really the one consistent in my life but this blog post is about photography and I'll stick with that topic. I kept taking photos and thankfully as I had the lab at work, getting them processed was much easier and quicker. I never had the opportunity to learn the photo lab as there were others qualified for it and had more seniority than myself but that was okay - I didn't want to be the one behind the machine developing others photos, I wanted to be the one to take the photos!

Now fast forwarding to a few years down the track. In the big city far from home, still working in retail, still taking photos of every random event in life. Still never for one minute thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should consider a photography course or pursuing it. Because I was a retail girl right? And who had a career in photography anyway? No-one that I knew did. I still kept taking photos though and when a camera would click it's last click, I'd hustle into the nearest pawn shop to find myself a "new" one - merrily snap away and drop my rolls to the photo lab in the mall where I worked, the young gent who worked there groaning as he'd see me approach, knowing I had more work for him. Fun fact: it was discovered that the young gent in the photo lab was the boyfriend of one of my workmates who later became a good friend.

Snap. And now we are in the 2000s, I'm in the USA and married and the era of Digital cameras was in full swing. Husband himself was also a keen shutterbug with a good film camera and quite a good eye, plus a lot more knowledge of the technical aspect of photography than myself. But we found ourselves with a small Sony point and shoot digital camera which was great for capturing the random moments in our lives and I often enjoyed walking around the waterfront town we lived in, getting artsy fartsy and taking photos of this, that and the other.

Click. More years pass, more years of working retail, different locations, different cameras. Technology changes and evolves. Photography remained a hobby but somewhere along the line, it felt more in my blood and more as something I wanted to learn about on a serious level. Maybe, just maybe, it could become something but I needed the education to understand better what my eyes saw. And here's the absolute shit kicker of it all - with the encouragement of my amazing husband, we did actually look into schooling for me but it was a rotten old catch 22. Our combined incomes wouldn't render me eligible for any sort of financial assistance at the place I wanted to attend. Yet the fees to do this study were beyond what we could afford. Dreams crash and burn but you know what? I didn't for one minute think that I couldn't learn in my own way and thankfully there were community classes that could be taken which I had the pleasure of doing with my father in law. We had a blast! Met some great people and I may or may not have annoyed the living crap out of our instructor. We'd go on field trips and she'd be telling us to look one way.....and I'd be hammering off in another direction to chase a sunset that everyone was missing because she wanted us taking photos of a leaf.

Oh rebel be thy name.

And then somewhere along the way, my retail years ended. Physically I was done for, mentally I was broken. I'd been in retail since age 16 and I just couldn't do it any more. Husband suggested maybe it would be beneficial to get a job at a local camera store where we spent a lot of time (and money) which in theory, sounded great but in practice, was the worst three days of my life in any job. I'd done many things over the years in retail and even had some time in hospitality but not once in any of those jobs did I feel as shattered as those three days in a camera store. I remember walking home after my first day, in tears as I realized that I'd made a huge mistake. Largely in part, it was due to the treatment I'd received by the other employees which for a lack of appropriate wording, I'll just say was less than kind. It was evident that this was not going to improve and the wages which were below minimal didn't seem to be worth sticking around for. With the support of husband, I left and have never looked back. I've never been one to take leaving a job lightly and as much as it pained me to call defeat so quickly, it was the smartest thing I've done.

Now for trying to make a go of it? Well, after learning as much as I could via books and magazines, the rest was pure instinct and practicing as much as possible. Looking at everything around me in different lights from different angles and trying to find my "style" in a sea of people much younger than myself who had a greater understanding of technology and use of programs for photo editing. That side of things never came easy to me but being behind the camera? Well that was the part that always felt natural. Did I want to be a portrait photographer? Did I want to commit to the financial strains of a brick and mortar studio? I really didn't know and over time, I soon found out what I did feel good about doing and what I didn't enjoy as much. I never did end up with a studio and thats something I've never regretted because as I saw some of the old timers close up shop, photographers who'd been around some time, it was an industry that was changing and evolving at a speed that caught many off guard. Some of these people who had dedicated years to learning photography and spending years building a clientele, they no longer could compete in the era of "quick point and shoot" - bored housewives picking up a camera, snapping some photos using an auto setting,  doing some editing in programs on computers and bingo, one portrait session done for the super price of $40.00! How could anyone compete with that? And sadly those solid businesses who had serviced the local communities for years and were more than worth their weight in the prices they charged, they were gone.

So no, I do not for one minute regret opting not to go that route. I never wanted that stress and as far as I was concerned, everywhere I went was a studio which gave me much more artistic freedom. I took photos of people, I took photos of dogs, I took good photos, I took bad photos and sometimes I'd get some great photos. I felt myself trying to fit into the mold expected of me during the days of steampunk and unique expression. And realized that wasn't my style. I realized maybe a little too late that I really didn't enjoy being a wedding photographer and I always knew that taking photos of babies was not anything I had interest in either. As for suggestive or boudoir? Nope, not my thing and I was adamant that I wouldn't go in that direction since it honestly made me feel uncomfortable.

 During the earlier years when I attended group shoots to practice more portrait photography, the GWCs (guys with cameras) would be talking women into taking their clothing off and I was on the opposite side of things, begging people to put more clothing on! I loved fashion of all styles - a well cut suit on a guy, a frilly 1950s dress on a gal, I loved a clean photo of a moment without too much fuss. Posed or candid, it didn't matter, as long as it was a solidly good photo that didn't rely heavily on editing. I enjoyed taking photos when we traveled and in particular, I loved taking photos of people in action. Sports, movement, random things that would happen, THAT is what I enjoyed. But that my friends, does NOT put coin in the bank. 

Struggling with the aspects of personal integrity, how do I continue on without sacrificing my ideals and principles, how to stay true to myself and what I enjoy about what I do? How do I create a business on something that people may or may not have a need for? And who wants to pay for pretty photos of themselves dressed up in fun fashions when they can do the same for themselves for free on a cell phone? Maybe I failed myself by not going the route of so many. And I know I'd never call myself successful since half the time, the business aspect feels like something beyond my skill set. Had I dedicated more time to learning the business side of things, would that have affected how I feel about photography? Maybe. I always took great pride (and still do) at knowing how to work a camera manually instead of using automatic settings like so many do, how to adjust my settings according to what's around me and what I see, what environment I'm in. And I pride myself in continuing to learn here and there, even if sometimes I fail. And I pride myself that in by staying true to myself, I still love photography and what I gain from it. I may not be a "professional" photographer by todays standards since it is not a full time position for me but you know what? I am perfectly okay with that. I enjoy what I do and when I get to do it. I do it for me, and for the love of it. 

I've realized I love taking photos of objects, of product. My proudest moments were when my husband asked me to take photos of peppers and a baked potato for some packaging he was working on at his workplace. My truest joy has been taking the senior photos of my dearest friends children. And some of the much smaller and unique weddings of friends that I did the photography for, well those I will always cherish because it wasn't just taking photos of random strangers but seeing the union of people I adored and being a part of that in a small way to capture the smiles, the tears and all of the love. My good fortune to meet so many amazing people through all of this, to see so many things, to learn so much. To have the endless love and support of my biggest cheerleader (hello husband) as well as the encouragement of my wonderful in-laws.

That in itself is a success right there. 

The things I did learn:

Don't let people take advantage of what you do in order for their own gain.

It's okay to say no.

Sometimes it's best to not take the camera to events so you can stay in the present and fully enjoy things. Especially if you have PAID to attend that event.

Stick to your guns sometimes, if there is the best time to take photos, then don't budge an inch.

Always chase the right light but don't rule some things out based on that alone.

Experiment, always experiment.

Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not going to turn out in your favor.

Who knows what is next for me? Portrait work is no longer as viable due to the current state of affairs in the world. And as my preference for product photography is the direction I'd rather be going, thats something I continue to work on and hopefully stay on course with. Since I still wish to remain true to who I am as a person with a variety of interests and skills, I find myself less inclined to call myself a photographer and more of a mixed media artist. Would I go back in time and tell my young self with a camera in hands that it WAS possible to forge a career in photography? Absolutely! Maybe I'd have done things differently, worked harder, studied more. But do I regret the way things have worked out? No. I do not. My path is the one I had to take to get to where I am now and thats a thing to be happy about and to celebrate.

Click, snap. Thats a wrap.

Thanks for reading and I hope you'll pop back here for the next blog post.

Stay happy, stay well.

Sam.

"Tell those friends with cameras for eyes
That their hands don't make me hang
They only make me feel like breathing
In an unguarded moment" - The Church.