Well lookie here - a new blog post! I bet you thought I'd forgotten about blogging didn't you? Trust me, I'd not forgotten, I've just been writing down thoughts and ideas since last blog post and finally have a moment to sit and do.

Originally I was going to title this blog "Amazing Grace" but that smacked a little of something that I have no involvement in and while the word "grace" can mean so many things, lets be honest....I'm not the most graceful creature on this earth. I think deep inside, I was trying to think of a word that describes where I am at this point of my life and how I'm working to evolve and improve myself in so many ways.

Serenity is a good choice of word and there are many others that can cover this topic but like all things in life, there are variables and changes that occur that keep me from reaching a true state of serenity....or grace.

So where do I start here? Do I delve back in time or just stick with the current program? And how do I really define things? Hmmmm, questions questions within myself. I guess thats a good place to start as any - on the topic of questioning ones self and digging deep into the core of who I am as a person, where I am at now and where I am going.

I've found myself recently doing a lot of self reflection, thinking about life and all it's parts and what makes me happy, what makes me mad and what I can do to better myself as a person overall. I've never skipped through life thinking "Well, I'm just the bees knees and a full packet of chips", more often that not, I've been the reverse. Beating myself up with my own inner bully and not being kind to myself but as I've grown older, I have realized that it's not okay to be so unkind to myself, that as long as I learn from what I do and allow myself to grow, then I can at least say I'm one bees knee and half a packet of chips. Because while it's good to be proud, arrogance isn't a virtue and there is nothing more off-putting than an ego inflating like a good year blimp. A personal pat on the back for a job well done is fine but when you go through life saying how much better you are than others, well thats never been a part of who I am and I don't want to be around that when I see it in others.

The things I've been working on to achieve inner grace and serenity? Well for starters, I'm trying to be more of a positive person. I know some might be surprised that I'm a secret negative Nancy but I can be a grumble guts, and piss and moan as hard as the next person. This is not just expressing positivity within myself but also at others. To say less bad and say more good. Even if I'm feeling very negative about something, I'm trying to not open my mouth and let the negativity flow out but speak more positively.

Which reminds me of something I learnt years ago in terms of business - always lead a negative with a positive. That stuck with me but in personal circumstances, I'm just going to omit the negative bit.

Some might say they like honesty over positivity and yes, that can be true in many ways but there are people out there who use honesty as a cloak for judgement and criticism and it's been one heck of a party trick to see that invisible cloak and find whats really hiding underneath. But I can see now, I've whipped that cloak off of people and exposed the reality which isn't pretty. So in my positive polly way, I've removed myself from those who are "honest" and am feeling much better for it.

Now I'm not saying I'm going to skip through this life like a chunky little kitten singing "fah la la la laaaaaah" but I'm walking along with my eyes open and finding more peace within myself for taking away as much negativity as I can. And I'm still going to falter, I'm still going to open my mouth at times and say things that I shouldn't but I'm also accepting of that and as long as I stay aware of what I put out into the universe and check myself from time to time, all is good.

Other things I've been working on are small and simple things like acknowledging when I need alone time and making sure that happens - as much as I love being busy and social, there are times when I just want to hang out at home and potter around and do crafty things. Or take myself off on a little adventure which is usually just to a thrift shop or grocery store. Ha! But still, I've always been at ease with my own company and it's nice to just allow myself the time to chill out. This isn't anti social behavior, this is just self preservation and finding balance.

When I am being social, I'm trying to kick it old school and put the phone down or away in my bag. When I visit with friends, I want them to know they have my undivided attention instead of checking my phone for texts, messages and calls. We got by 20 years ago without cell phones and survived so it's not that hard to just put the phone away and be a bit more present. It's a work in progress but I plan to try harder and just enjoy peoples company without the distraction of electronics. I hope people will do the same for me! Lets lift our heads up and look around us and be present in life instead of living in an electronic world. And yes, I see the irony in that right now as I sit here tippity tapping on the computer.

I'm finding myself wanting to feel more independent and live my own life instead of trying to integrate into others lives. And I strive for that, I don't want to live someone else's life, I just want to live my own life because it's a pretty darn good one and I am so appreciative of what I have with my darling husband, dogs, home, family and friends. While I'm always trying to improve myself, the aforementioned parts of my life? Well, I'd not change a thing. They are the beings who give me strength and while I want to improve myself for me, it's also for them.

I think in summary, we are all the authors in our own book of life and while we can't erase the pages written in the past, we have the power to write new words in the pages to come. And only we can decide what those words will be. So for me, I'm going to opt to speak more good of people instead of bad, be kind and conscious of my own well being, shut down negativity and arrogance from others if it arises and enjoy the chapters of life that I have left. And to allow myself to continue to evolve - to fix the mistakes I make and further seek inner grace and serenity.

So when it comes to the final chapter in hopefully many years from now, I can say "well that was a bloody good read with some interesting plot twists" and to quote the great Neil Finn, "Love this life - don't wait till the next one comes".

Peace out!

Sam.