It's time for me to write this, time to put thoughts into words and time for me to release. Originally this blog post was going to be called "The F Word" and all about that particular topic which I still plan to cover here today, but there is so much more to the story than how it originally was to go. Because stories evolve and change do they not?

In regards to the F Word - it wasn't what you may think. For me, the F word is one that I struggle with, dislike saying and try to avoid as much as possible. My close friends know that I'm not talking about the cuss word here because that I have no issue with. The word FAT however is one that I have subtly avoided over the years and it was a challenge to come up with suitable replacements that felt less harsh. Chunky, chubby, robust, rotund, curvy, heavy set, big boned - I've used them all as part of my self descriptions but I'm ready to face facts and reality and call it for what it is. Fat.

I'd never describe myself as overly obese but I've never been able to describe myself as a wisp in the wind either. And a few months ago, I hopped on the scale and realized that if I kept on the path I was on, I was going to be in serious trouble so it was time to make changes. This time, it wasn't about just losing weight but it was about readjusting my whole lifestyle, about committing to the long haul and rethinking the way I live. My husband was first out of the starting gate when he took up jogging and seeing him get up each day and commit to this was the inspiration I needed. There were other factors, other inspirations and people who have made little ripples of impact in my life which pushed me forward and so I strapped on my FitBit (aka Major Payne) and started to walk.

My starting point was rolling out of bed in my pajamas which really are just basic items of athletic wear, throwing on a hat, bra and flip flops and hitting the streets for a while to see how I'd go. The quick realization that flip flops were not suitable for walking any distance on hard surfaces got me scrambling quickly to the shoe store where I found something much more appropriate and then I knew I was in it to win it, ready to walk further, to create goals and try to smash the shit out of them each day.

Which I did. I felt myself going further, faster and feeling a small amount of self pride as I marched along each morning. Could I make ten thousand steps in one day? Yes. Could I make twenty thousand steps in one day? Sure thing! As the weeks went on, could I make ten thousand steps just during my morning walk? YES! And I marched on. There is no stopping me. Don't stop.

Don't Stop.

My mantra running through my head. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Don't stop me now, because I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball. Don't stop till you get enough. Don't stop - soon to be inked onto my skin as a reminder to keep going on the path I've chosen.

"Don't stop now
No, don't stop now
Give me something I can write about
Give me something I can cry about"

- Crowded House.

Songs ran through my head, memories ran through my head, and each day, I thought back to the girl I was once upon a long time ago. From my teen years when I was never the skinny one, when I was told to watch my weight and when I ate the same as everyone else around me but still felt like I looked different to my peers and just never felt like I measured up to everyones standards. A few years back, I received a message from an old friend that included photos of myself when I was in my late teens and I was shocked because I barely recognized myself. All those years I thought I was so much bigger than others and yet the photos showed a young woman, not skinny but slender, tanned arms and legs, looking healthy and happy. And my heart aches for her - for spending so much time feeling out of place amid the others when the reality was, I wasn't much different. I want to say sorry, to say "wow girl, you look good" and to not have spent so much time feeling like a giant among the willows - because back then, I now know that I wasn't.

Then I fast forward a few years to my early twenties and thats when the weight crept on. Poor choices, poor decisions, poor lifestyle - it all added up over the years and while there were people out there who cared enough to try and prod me into changing my ways, I stood stubborn, not understanding why they cared. Not understanding why my health mattered so much to them. And for that, I owe them the greatest apology because now I understand. They saw someone self destructing not only mentally but physically and they only wanted to see me find a level of self respect that I sure as hell wasn't finding in bars and nightclubs.

But I go on. My life was a choose your own adventure book with twists and turns and my brain said "hey, we are not here forever so why the hell does it matter what I eat, what I look like", I made excuses and said it was self acceptance but in reality, it was denial. I wanted to stand up and shout "hey I'm chubby, who cares?" and this went on for years.....until I stood on that scale a few months ago and said "this is not good Sammo, it's time to stop coming up with excuses"

So that is where I decided to stop. To stop making excuses, to make the changes needed. To put one foot forward, then the next foot and to push myself as far as I could go because I realized it mattered, I mattered, my life matters. And while there were some things I could put a stop to, there were other things that drove me ahead "don't stop". At age 45, I wanted to look at myself with respect, to feel proud and to live the best life I could because there is so much to live for. I want to hold a great niece or nephew in my arms someday. I want to hold hands with my husband during a walk when we are in our 70s. I want to get up each day and feel good. I want to live.

We changed our eating habits which isn't as hard as I expected and I figure I've had 45 years of eating whatever I liked, so if this means not eating some things for quite a while, it's ok. It's a challenge sometimes but when I smash that last weight goal, I look forward to enjoying some reward in moderation and finding creative ways to make sure that what we put into our bodies is right for us without dragging us off track. Then it will be about maintenance and sticking with our exercise no matter what. Don't stop. Just keep walking, keep moving and find new challenges. I struggle to hear people make excuses about what they eat and try to surround myself with those who are supportive of my changes and are cheering me on.

So, along the way amid this great start to our lifestyle change, we decided to join the local rec centre so we had options for when the weather changes or makes it difficult to get the exercise we need. With a mixed bag of people, it's not too intimidating and has a great walking track as well as equipment that suits our needs. We started to buy up other types of athletic items for home so we could have a variation of goodies for those moments when we needed that extra adrenaline boost and with great glee, I named these torture devices. They teach me, challenge me and sometimes I may not do it all the right way - but at least I stopped making excuses and am doing it. I took control over things in my life and I've got up each day with purpose. Each day varied but I gave it my all with my usual humor and felt strong.

And then one day, that damn choose your own adventure book took us into pages that we certainly did not choose. This plot twist is hard to discuss and this is not the place to go into detail because I'm not the only character in this story. But I will say that it was the first time in my life that I thought to myself in those few seconds "is this it?" - of all the things I'd done over the years, all the stupid situations I put myself into through my twenties, was I going to die now? And I knew that I didn't want to. I didn't come this far to be taken now. A few seconds and a millions thoughts ran through my head, a few seconds and our lives have been changed beyond what we knew. We didn't die, we lived. The relief of seeing my husband on his feet was greater than knowing that I myself was standing.

So now the physical wounds are healing but the emotional wounds are there to come and go for the years ahead. And I've recognized the fact that if we hadn't already started our lifestyle changes, that if this event had happened a few months ago, we'd not have walked away from this as we have. I know I would have sat down and stopped and not got back up again. Don't stop Sam, don't stop. You mustn't stop. Stay strong for your husband, be his strength. I tell myself that each day and during the moments of darkness, I fiercely look for the light because I won't stop. I can't.

The physical exercise keeps me going now, it prevents me from falling into a hole that I can't climb out of. It gives the the focus I need. And I see the changes in my body and despite everything thats happened, I feel pride. I see the changes in my husband and I'm beyond proud of him because I know that we can get through anything together. And my hope one day that we will be able to walk along hand in hand in our senior years, sifting through memories and facing each day together so when one of us isn't feeling strong, the other can be and vice versa. We cant let this defeat us.

So thats the story so far. I won't apologize for not going into certain details, I do apologize for my lack of structure though since I'm no writer. Just a person on this earth who needs to keep moving ahead and to do so, I need to speak up. I need to write and release. Each day I get through my tasks, sometimes I don't want to go for a walk so I find an online workout video to try. I listen to my music to sometimes drown my thoughts and sometimes I succeed in that and sometimes I don't. I take stock of my progress daily and while I'm still a ways off from reaching my physical goal, I no longer think of myself as fat. I think of myself as an ongoing project that will never be perfect but having the acceptance in that is ok because nothing in life is perfect. I feel my clothing get looser and I am excited for all the changes to come. I may never be that slender young woman from the photos I saw some time ago but since there is nearly 30 years from then to now,  my body will go through more changes as I age, I'll take that with peace since I'm alive to see all that happen.

And as I make these physical changes, I also strive for other changes in my life because why stop? Don't stop. Removing negativity and drama out of my life has been a big thing on my goals list. Removing myself from people who place too much negative energy around themselves. I don't need that, not at my age. I want to live with joy, not be smothered down by other peoples issues. My life may have changed, it always will change in some ways but I can certainly take control of things if needed so I can live the best life that I've been given. I have a bucket list that I've been ticking things off in the past few years, well it's time to put more in that bucket and tick the crap out of it all. So if you see a crazy woman in a limo flashing her boobs and singing ABBA at the top of her lungs, well thats just me and my bucket list at play. And when it is my time, I can go with peace and say "well that was worth it".

No more excuses. No more fat. No more self loathing. No more. Don't stop. And get up each day and smash those goals. I am accountable for myself and I won't stop. Recent events won't define me or defeat me.

"Love this life. Don't wait until the next one comes" - Crowded House
 

Sam.